Still in a funk, pushing me this way and that. I just don't think that I know who I am. Life feels so scary and overwhelming, but for no reason. When the tide comes, you can go with it or fight against it. Why have I always fought against it? Why am I never happy with who I am or what I have done? I don't even know if anything would be good enough to soothe my broken mind.
This need to be more than I am, more than my fragility feels capable of, it tears me apart. It makes me loathe myself. I have all this knowledge and talent, but I am too frightened to do anything with it. Why be skillful at something that tears you apart? Lately, I think it all tears me apart, and so I do nothing. I live with this fear and anxiety because I am terrified at how much worse it could be.