I find the more restless I am, the more reckless I become. It becomes harder to hold on to the things that ground me. I need busyness, I need likeminded people to talk to, I need freedom from what has become a crushing weight on me. Sometimes I think I am feeling the whole world around me, and I don't know where to feel safe anymore.
I can and have gone through the timeline of my life to see when I started feeling everything thing around me but also that I was not enough to change the feelings that were all around me. I don't remember feeling I ever had a really safe place where I could feel the kind of security that most people take for granted.
When I left home for college, it was no different, giving my love and trust to the wrong people, because I didn't know what it really was to be loved unconditionally. I didn't understand that people would take advantage of you. I can only say that my mother and I probably only had a bond because I wanted it so badly. I'm not sure why. She wasn't always nice to me, and I'm not sure why. I believe she loved me, in a strange way, I am glad I don't understand her way of loving.
That kind of love is reckless. I try to stay away from it, some people see it as a test or a game. I never want my love for someone to be a game or a test, I want the person to know that I love them through my actions. When your actions and your words align, there is love. Should I go back to my timeline? I do tend to rattle on.
After I thought about when it began, I think it has always been there. I had a hard time making friends, because I wanted things to be just. As an adult it makes no sense, but time mellows us. I thought getting away from home would be amazing, until I realized I had no idea, about anything. I never thought about what I would "be," let alone who I would be or how I would leave my mark. I have to say, so much seems as unknown to me now, as it did then.