I have been thinking a lot about how I don't really know myself. I think from the day I was born, I was unwanted by those closest to me, and so I tried to make myself as lovable as possible. I was obedient, and if I wasn't my mother would make sure that I went back to the path she was on. She gripped so hard, I swear I can still see the marks. There was no room to find me, because I was wearing whatever mask she handed me. She wanted so badly for me and my sister to be perfect. We internalized it differently, but it's there.
When I left for college, I was just 17, and was finally allowed to find my own path. I met someone I loved too dearly. Honestly, it felt like a once in a lifetime kind of love. He abandoned me in my moment of greatest need. He wen. to find Jesus, but I hear now he's an atheist. I will never forget this cut. It nearly killed me.
Next, I found a friend.. I was so lost and alone, and I think he knew that. He creeped into my world. He moved in with me, he stalked me from his work, he threatened to kill himself if I ever left. The problem was, I didn't know who I was. I was just being passed around. I realized that I no longer loved anything about myself. I knew I couldn't be under someone's grip anymore, or I too would expire. I had a date on me. Good until....
I couldn't anymore, and so I cut every connection, and he did not die, like he threatened he would. I worked full time and finished school. I couldn't wait to get away. I moved, but so did the problems. My best friend was my roommate, and she was suddenly acting different. She told me about whole periods in our friendship when she actually hated me. When I left our apartment, her boyfriend lunged at me and spouted nonsense about things that had bothered her that I knew nothing about. I have always said I am not a mind reader, but I am honest.